Being a Jerk is easy...

Lately I have had to come to grips with myself. Some of it has been a learning experience which I have been sharing right here. Some of it however is just me acknowledging and taking responsibility for myself. And part of that is taking responsibility and acknowledging how I have treated people.

I can be a real Jerk sometimes. And I capitalize Jerk because when I'm a Jerk, I'm a big Jerk and not a little one.

What I've come to realize though is it is easy to be a Jerk. See, when you're a Jerk you don't have to invest in relationships. You don't have to really care about people. Because as a Jerk, you can just be mean and get people to not like you if the relationship is getting too personal. When you're a Jerk, you can easily keep people at an arms length and you don't ever have to worry about them rejecting you, because you can just reject them first. And for those of us who aren't good or comfortable with close relationships because you have more to lose if you're rejected, being a Jerk is safe.

Now, mind you, I'm not saying that it is better, healthier or more fun. Nope, just easier.

Problem is, being a Jerk is like most things, you can't compartmentalize it. What happens is it seeps into those relationships that you have made and are comfortable with. It seeps in and takes over. And you end up hurting those you love the most. Your wife, your son, your true friends.

Today I really realized what a Jerk I have really been. Today I found out that I will have to talk with someone tomorrow. I will have to share some news with them that will probably devastate them. And the moment I realized that was going to have to happen, my heart broke. My heart broke, not because of what was going to happen to me, but because of what was going to happen to them. That very rarely happens to me.

Yet after talking with my wife about it over the phone (and no, I didn't have to break my wife's heart), I found myself sitting in my office overwhelmed by sadness for this person. I found myself tearing up over the pain this would likely cause for them. I've been trying to figure out a way to spare this person that pain. To find a solution so we wouldn't even have to have the conversation.

As a Jerk, this is something I'd very rarely encountered, and even more rarely come to tears about. And I sat there thinking, I wish I could be a Jerk. I wish I could spare myself from this pain that I feel for this person (see Jerks are selfish too). I wish I could just switch this off like I usually do.

But I couldn't. It wouldn't go away. And the more I thought about the situation, the more indignant I became for them. I wanted to defend them. I wanted to defend them to the whole world. I wanted to tell the whole world that this was a human being that they were mistreating. I wanted to tell them that this is one of God's beloved children and if the rest of the world couldn't see that well then to hell with the rest of the world!

Being a Jerk is easy. But, I don't want to be a Jerk anymore. As painful as this feels, I want to feel it. I want to know that I am capable of loving people. I don't want to hurt, almost as much as I don't want to hurt people. But, in order to love, truly love, I will feel joy, pain, sadness, elation, and everything in between.

And I'm good with that.

Isn't Life Grand?

Isn't life grand? In the midst of everything, taking a moment to sit back, look at life and just enjoy what it has for you can be rather refreshing.

Now, I would love to say, that right now the vertigo is completely gone, and everything is going well. Unfortunately this is not the case. The vertigo still exists, though I have learned to deal with it and work around it. Work is still difficult and how I deal with the stress from work is still a work in progress. I am working on my relationships, I want to strive to be a better husband and father, and while I am successful on some days, others seem to be a step backwards. But, all in all, life is grand.

And here's why. I've been looking back on my vertigo now for awhile and I really wasn't sure there was much I could learn from this experience. Aside from the fact that I am human, I do get sick, I'm not invulnerable and I need to learn my limits. And while this is all good, I have realized that this thought process goes beyond just my health.

I let things get under my skin. I let people and their approval of me determine my worth. If the budget doesn't balance, its my fault and I have disappointed many. I have failed and thus I am a failure. For myself, I am not a perfectionist. Take a look at my man cave, or look at my desk in my office and you will see that. Many unfinished projects, failed attempts and the like. But, if I am putting something out there for others to evaluate, it must be perfect. All my "i's" must be dotted and "t's" crossed. There is no room for failure.

And what is odd, is that vertigo has taught me my worth is not based on other peoples opinion of me or how much I achieve or over achieve at my job. Don't get me wrong, we need to do our jobs to the best of our abilities within the resources we have. But it is okay to fail.

Yes, I said it, it's okay to fail. If we fail a something, that doesn't mean we are a failure. Somehow when we're kids, we start out and failure is okay. First we fail at standing. But no one seems to mind, they just cheer us on. Then we fail at walking. And again no one seems to mind. Again, people just cheer us on until we get it. And this usually happens throughout our childhood. We strike out in baseball and our coach tells us "you'll get it next time". We fall off our bikes the first time we ride without training wheels, but our parents put a band-aid on our knee and help us get right back up on the bike. When you're a kid, failing does not equal being a failure.

So what happens when we become an adult? We're supposed to know everything we need to know, or be able to figure it out. We're supposed to be able to anticipate, adapt and adjust. Suddenly failure no longer seems to be an option. Now "there's too much riding on it to fail". WHAT?!?!?! Some of the things we take for granted now (walking, talking) are the most important things we do and we all failed at those at one point or another. Yet somehow we now equate failing with being a failure.

And yes, vertigo has taught me this. Failing at walking again will do that to you! And what is even cooler is God lets us fail too. You know what, I am a Christian, and I am a pastor and I failed at living a sinless life today. Didn't make it. Nope. I sinned. I'm not proud of it. I recognize that I failed. But God doesn't love me any less for it. God is right there with me, he's cheering me on. I can hear him shouting, "Tomorrow's another day. You'll get it next time. You can do it." Does he want me to succeed? Yes. Does my worth to him depend on my success? No. Will he love me anyway? Yes. Always.

I ain't perfect. I will fail. It is OK.

Isn't life grand?