Overjoyed!

Well, maybe not overjoyed, cause I don't think I like that word. Overjoyed would meen that you have too much joy to handle. I'm not sure that is even possible, but that is a discussion for a later date. I am very excited and happy.

We will be welcoming an addition into our family in a little under 7 months. We knew for almost two weeks before we let everyone know. Of course we had told those who needed to know, our Divisional Commander, my family, Tammy's family, and a few very close friends.

It almost feel like a burden has been lifted from my shoulders now that we have announced it. I don't feel like I have to sneak around and try not to be too happy. We had specific reasons for announcing it as we did. We kept it to those who needed to know first because we wanted to see an ultra-sound first to make sure everything was progressing normally. Once we had that, we wanted to make sure we announced it to our congregation on a Sunday. That way no one would feel like they were being slighted or left out. Then, by the time I was in on Monday, it has spread throughout all of our employees.

Obviously it is too soon to know the sex of the baby, but we are tossing names back and forth. Both boy and girls names. We have both decided that names will be a little easier to determine once we know the sex and have prayed about it more.

And as excited and happy as I am, I can't lie and say I am not at least slightly apprehensive. Not that I don't want the child, that's not it at all. I'm just somewhat concerned about the normal provider things that dads get concerned about. Another child means more expenses. Another child means more of my time. Another child means more of my wifes time. Another child means I need to start taking better care of myself (i.e. health and excersize).

And it isn't that The Salvation Army doesn't take good care of us, because they do. And it isn't that I can't make time for another child. And it isn't that I can't spare some of my wife and my time for the baby. And it isn't that I can't take better care of myself. Its that I'm concerned about being able to change my pattern. Cause, well, I kinda like my pattern. When it comes to myself, change is not really a strong point of mine.

Now, I'm sure as we get closer to the date, I will be able to adjust and it will come naturally. But, looking at it from this side it seems like such a big change. It almost seems unnatural. I do realize that I need to start the changes now so they are part of my pattern when the baby arrives. Because starting a new pattern after the baby arrives is going to be about impossible.

I am very excited about the new baby. Baby, I can't wait to meet you. I can't wait until we can give you a name. I can't wait to hold you for the first time. I am excited to see you develop, to learn and to see your personality take shape. I will try to enjoy every moment with you.

YAY! We're havin' a baby!!

Oh Moon

Oh moon
The night sky is upon me
The moon bright and full
It's beauty amazing
It overwhelms me still
The rest of the sky barren
By beauty too bright
Not a cloud in the sky
Or a star in sight

Oh moon
You are overpowering
The center of attention
I miss those around you
Those speckles of light
The starts that fill the sky
They are missing tonight
It feels empty without them
A kingdom with just a queen
No loyal subjects
Or court jesters to be seen

Oh moon
Your beauty is known
Many on this earth can see
But please show less brightly
So the others can be seen
That is what this lover
Would find ever so keen
Do not fail to glimmer
To glow and to gleam
For the memory of you
Should not be just a dream

Being a Jerk is easy...

Lately I have had to come to grips with myself. Some of it has been a learning experience which I have been sharing right here. Some of it however is just me acknowledging and taking responsibility for myself. And part of that is taking responsibility and acknowledging how I have treated people.

I can be a real Jerk sometimes. And I capitalize Jerk because when I'm a Jerk, I'm a big Jerk and not a little one.

What I've come to realize though is it is easy to be a Jerk. See, when you're a Jerk you don't have to invest in relationships. You don't have to really care about people. Because as a Jerk, you can just be mean and get people to not like you if the relationship is getting too personal. When you're a Jerk, you can easily keep people at an arms length and you don't ever have to worry about them rejecting you, because you can just reject them first. And for those of us who aren't good or comfortable with close relationships because you have more to lose if you're rejected, being a Jerk is safe.

Now, mind you, I'm not saying that it is better, healthier or more fun. Nope, just easier.

Problem is, being a Jerk is like most things, you can't compartmentalize it. What happens is it seeps into those relationships that you have made and are comfortable with. It seeps in and takes over. And you end up hurting those you love the most. Your wife, your son, your true friends.

Today I really realized what a Jerk I have really been. Today I found out that I will have to talk with someone tomorrow. I will have to share some news with them that will probably devastate them. And the moment I realized that was going to have to happen, my heart broke. My heart broke, not because of what was going to happen to me, but because of what was going to happen to them. That very rarely happens to me.

Yet after talking with my wife about it over the phone (and no, I didn't have to break my wife's heart), I found myself sitting in my office overwhelmed by sadness for this person. I found myself tearing up over the pain this would likely cause for them. I've been trying to figure out a way to spare this person that pain. To find a solution so we wouldn't even have to have the conversation.

As a Jerk, this is something I'd very rarely encountered, and even more rarely come to tears about. And I sat there thinking, I wish I could be a Jerk. I wish I could spare myself from this pain that I feel for this person (see Jerks are selfish too). I wish I could just switch this off like I usually do.

But I couldn't. It wouldn't go away. And the more I thought about the situation, the more indignant I became for them. I wanted to defend them. I wanted to defend them to the whole world. I wanted to tell the whole world that this was a human being that they were mistreating. I wanted to tell them that this is one of God's beloved children and if the rest of the world couldn't see that well then to hell with the rest of the world!

Being a Jerk is easy. But, I don't want to be a Jerk anymore. As painful as this feels, I want to feel it. I want to know that I am capable of loving people. I don't want to hurt, almost as much as I don't want to hurt people. But, in order to love, truly love, I will feel joy, pain, sadness, elation, and everything in between.

And I'm good with that.

Isn't Life Grand?

Isn't life grand? In the midst of everything, taking a moment to sit back, look at life and just enjoy what it has for you can be rather refreshing.

Now, I would love to say, that right now the vertigo is completely gone, and everything is going well. Unfortunately this is not the case. The vertigo still exists, though I have learned to deal with it and work around it. Work is still difficult and how I deal with the stress from work is still a work in progress. I am working on my relationships, I want to strive to be a better husband and father, and while I am successful on some days, others seem to be a step backwards. But, all in all, life is grand.

And here's why. I've been looking back on my vertigo now for awhile and I really wasn't sure there was much I could learn from this experience. Aside from the fact that I am human, I do get sick, I'm not invulnerable and I need to learn my limits. And while this is all good, I have realized that this thought process goes beyond just my health.

I let things get under my skin. I let people and their approval of me determine my worth. If the budget doesn't balance, its my fault and I have disappointed many. I have failed and thus I am a failure. For myself, I am not a perfectionist. Take a look at my man cave, or look at my desk in my office and you will see that. Many unfinished projects, failed attempts and the like. But, if I am putting something out there for others to evaluate, it must be perfect. All my "i's" must be dotted and "t's" crossed. There is no room for failure.

And what is odd, is that vertigo has taught me my worth is not based on other peoples opinion of me or how much I achieve or over achieve at my job. Don't get me wrong, we need to do our jobs to the best of our abilities within the resources we have. But it is okay to fail.

Yes, I said it, it's okay to fail. If we fail a something, that doesn't mean we are a failure. Somehow when we're kids, we start out and failure is okay. First we fail at standing. But no one seems to mind, they just cheer us on. Then we fail at walking. And again no one seems to mind. Again, people just cheer us on until we get it. And this usually happens throughout our childhood. We strike out in baseball and our coach tells us "you'll get it next time". We fall off our bikes the first time we ride without training wheels, but our parents put a band-aid on our knee and help us get right back up on the bike. When you're a kid, failing does not equal being a failure.

So what happens when we become an adult? We're supposed to know everything we need to know, or be able to figure it out. We're supposed to be able to anticipate, adapt and adjust. Suddenly failure no longer seems to be an option. Now "there's too much riding on it to fail". WHAT?!?!?! Some of the things we take for granted now (walking, talking) are the most important things we do and we all failed at those at one point or another. Yet somehow we now equate failing with being a failure.

And yes, vertigo has taught me this. Failing at walking again will do that to you! And what is even cooler is God lets us fail too. You know what, I am a Christian, and I am a pastor and I failed at living a sinless life today. Didn't make it. Nope. I sinned. I'm not proud of it. I recognize that I failed. But God doesn't love me any less for it. God is right there with me, he's cheering me on. I can hear him shouting, "Tomorrow's another day. You'll get it next time. You can do it." Does he want me to succeed? Yes. Does my worth to him depend on my success? No. Will he love me anyway? Yes. Always.

I ain't perfect. I will fail. It is OK.

Isn't life grand?

What a funk...

I have to be honest, lately my funk has gotten worse. And those who are nearest to me have been paying a price for that. The vertigo is still on, and though it hasn't gotten worse, it really hasn't gotten any better either. I've learned better how to function with it, and what my limitations are. And really, its probably the limitations that frustrate me the most.

Unfortunately these limitations have put me in to a funk. No, actually not even a funk. They are depressing. I'll be honest. Depressing. And it really hit me yesterday.

Now, it should be said that yesterday was my birthday and while I don't necessarily LOVE birthdays, I am usually in a decent mood for them. Not yesterday though. Yesterday was a fairly long rough day. And from about 7am when I got up to 5:30pm I let everything get me down.

It changed at 5:30pm because that was when I realized that I was letting my bad day and bad attitude, my funk, bring other people down. My wife had come downstairs and asked me where I would like to go for my birthday dinner. My response (you'll laugh at how dumb this was) was to say, let's just eat last nights leftovers, I really don't care.

Now, mind you my wife is trying very hard to do something nice here because she knows I'm feeling rather depressed. And we have a friend coming over to help celebrate my birthday. Me sitting on the couch eating leftovers really isn't a great bit of hospitality for a friend.

So, my wife, obviously feeling hurt because I rejected her (as I had all day actually), got frustrated with me, said "fine!" and went on the porch for some alone time. I stewed for awhile and finally realized I was the problem. Not my vertigo and not anyone else.

So, I went out on the porch and talked with her for a little while. I finally agreed that my depression (I called it ambivalence) was not doing either of us any good. I decided that if I was going to get out of this funk I should get up and do something. So we picked a place to go to eat. Then my wife prayed for me. Not long, not wordy, but heartfelt, sincere and to the point. I needed that.

To end the night, our friend came over. We all went to dinner. Came back home and our friend and I listened to music. LOUD! (sorry neighbors). My parents called, and we talked for awhile, and my brother called at the same time and left a message (I gotta call him back yet). My friend and I talked about music and about God. We talked about our pasts and our demons. And we just listened to music.

By  about 10pm I was feeling really good. All day people who loved me, or at least liked me were trying to make my day as nice as possible. And while I was jerk for most of it, they kept at it.

By the end of the day, I had gotten what I needed to get out of the funk. The realization that I have family and friends who love me. Not because I can do certain things. Not because of a position I hold. They like me. Just me. And will even try harder when I'm being a jerk on my birthday.

I don't need to drive a car to be happy. I don't need to be able to walk in a straight line to be happy. I have family and friends that love me. And yesterday they showed me the love of God. They reminded me there is a God who loves me. They reminded me that more than anything, all I need is love (we didn't listen to the Beatles last night, but it sure would have been appropriate!).

Even though I know most people I know don't read this, thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday. It sure made my day!

Who's Protection?

The above photo is by far one of my favorite that I have ever taken. My wife likes it a lot as well. She had always talked about how it would be one of those great pictures with a piece of scripture underneath it. So, for one of her birthday's, I had it matted and framed with the scripture from Matthew 7:14 - "But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." (NIV). And as I look at the photo now, I think the scripture kind of fits, but isn't an exact match.

However, as I look at the photo now, it reminds me a bit of the human condition. Now before I go into that, I think a little background on the photo is in order. We were living in Chicago at the time, and I had gone out to take some pictures of the skyline and the lakeshore. I noticed as I was walking out a storm rolling in, which to start did not look bad. So I kept moving forward. I got to a point where the storm front got nice and dark right over the skyline of Chicago (Hancock and Sears Tower) and even caught a couple of lightning strikes. I was pretty excited, but decided that with a big metal tripod it would be a good idea for me to head back. Unfortunately I hadn't realized how far away I had gone.

I started walking at a very brisk pace in an effort to get to safety before the rain poured down. I didn't make it, and having forgotten an umbrella proceeded to get quite soaked. Luckily my camera bag was waterproof (or at least very water resistant)! Anyway, after getting thoroughly soaked I finally found a tunnel under Lakeshore Dr. that I could wait the rest of the storm out.

Once it had subsided back to a sprinkle, I decided to continue back home. And all was uneventful until I got to the tunnel under Lakeshore that lead to my home. As I came down the steps, I was greeted by the photo you have at the top. When I took the picture, I was just struck by the lonely man walking in the tunnel and the glow of the lights.

Back to the human condition. This photo reminds me of how big and powerful God is, and how little and weak we are. Look at the contrast of ideas here. The man is walking down a tunnel, completely protected from the elements, with his umbrella up.

When the storm was at its worst, I went looking for a tunnel to hide out in and be protected from the rain and weather. In fact, had the storm become extremely severe, it was probably one of the safest places to be.

God is there for us, and even in the midst of the biggest storms in our lives He is there for us. Providing shelter for us. Giving us a place to hunker down and find protection from the storm.

But how often are we like the man with the umbrella. How often do we rely on our own tiny, feeble form of protection from the storm. Even when God is offering up that protection for us already. Almost as if we think God's protection might fail and we have to have our own protection just in case.

Just remember, in the midst of the storm, find a tunnel. Seek the protection of the God who does not fail. Don't rely on the weak and wimpy umbrella that can easily be torn apart by a large gust of wind.

Hockey is MANLY, But There Are Always Tears After the Last Game

My favorite sport by far is Hockey. In my opinion, no other sport combines the shear brutality, excitement, skill, and intensity like Hockey. I don't say this to slight any other sports (though there are those I won't watch...i.e. baseball), it is just my own opinion.

To me Hockey is a MANLY sport. The players are proud of their missing teeth. They jump in front of a 1/2 pound piece of hard rubber (that is frozen) moving at speeds of up to 100mph. They take these hits in the pads, in the skates, in the hands and even in the face. And often they get right back up to continue play. Even when they do come off the ice, they very often are right back on the ice for their next shift.

I've seen players come off the ice after taking a puck to the face. They go to the locker room, get stitched up, and head back up. I've seen this exact same player (on more than one occasion) score the winning goal.

And not only are players getting hit by a frozen puck, there are other dangers. They face sticks being swung by their opponents made of graphite, fiberglass, and kevlar. Sticks that are often swung intentionally at ankles and arms to make someone lose the puck.

Not to mention the fact that you have players from the other team trying to ram you into the boards and put a good hard hit on you. All this while skating around on thin blades of steel on a sheet of ice. I am constantly amazed.

It is okay to shout. To be a man (this is true for most sports, I just relate it better to Hockey). To appreciate the skills and abilities of both teams on the ice, regardless of who you are loyal to. It is okay to show emotion, as long as those emotions include, joy, intensity, and sometimes even anger.

The emotions that you show in Hockey are socially acceptable emotions for men to express. I think that is part of why I like Hockey. But really, I appreciate Hockey. I really like Hockey. The fact that the emotions are socially acceptable is just a bonus.

Yet I have a whole other set of emotions that don't seem to apply to Hockey. And I was reminded of such in a conversation with my wife and one of our friends. We were talking about how a certain injury could make me cry. And our friend said something to the affect of, that is probably the only thing that could make me cry.

I of course (being a man) said I can't remember the last time I cried. My wife was quick to point out that I had cried at a movie. Specifically "Mr. Holland's Opus". Which I might add is a superb movie. I quickly agreed with my wife that I had cried. But, to be honest, I felt a little ashamed for a second or two that I had cried.

I think though it is okay for men to cry. Really. I might not do it very often, but I do think it is okay. There are moments I am overcome with pride for something my son has done and I can feel my throat tighten and tears well in my eyes. I have felt the Holy Spirit move in worship services at various points and I get the same feeling. I have watched movies and had the same feelings.

I haven't always felt it was okay to cry though. I felt like I had to somehow hide my tears. At movies, in worship services, when I was proud of my son. Somehow, for some reason, that wasn't an acceptable emotion for me to show.

For me, that's not okay now. Not that I need to break out into tears for every little sad thing that happens. But, genuine emotion, that's okay. That's healthy.

And I think this is actually echoed in the uber manly sport of Hockey. I have watched enough Stanley Cup Final games and seen enough winners of this coveted cup to know how they end. The winners are often interviewed and many of the players are completely speechless, overwhelmed with emotion and often showing tears. And if they can show tears on national television, I can show my tears when they are genuine.

Emotions are for...me?

Dumb question I know. Everyone has emotions. Truly though the question is are they socially acceptable to display. Sure there are times when emotions are I think tolerated, even expected, such as at joyous events and sad occasions, but for the most part I think they are looked down upon.

Now this may be my own view of things through glasses of my own making, but it is what I have observed. Emotions also seem to be better tolerated for women then for men. You can correct me if you think I'm wrong. But really, I don't believe I am.

I am aware that about the only emotions I show are anger, and happiness. I tend to cover up all my other emotions with a clever defensive tactic called sarcasm. And while sarcasm can be fun it most often is just a defense tactic.

For me, this inability or unwillingness to show emotions has actually been affirmed in me. Not in such a way as someone said "you not showing emotions is a good thing". That has never been said to me. However, what has been said is I am steady. I am solid. I am stable. And these are good things and I take them as compliments.

But, it comes at a price. Because steady and solid doesn't include things like goofy, sad, depressed or excited. Steady and solid means very even keel. It means you are not emotive. Because lets be honest, emotive people are seen as slightly unstable.

Mind you I don't believe that emotive people are unstable, nor am I advocating that they are unstable. But we like simple and easy. Steady and stable is easy to understand. Emotive people are difficult to understand. And so, rather than understand them, we just label them as unstable.

But, I think my goal has always been to be stable. To be controlled. To be logical, rational and steady. Which means that any of the emotions that don't fit this limited ideal must be squashed and or ignored.

I don't think this is healthy for me. I think that it means that I have to hide a part of myself. I don't think I like hiding anymore. This isn't going to happen overnight. It's going to be uncomfortable. Not just for me, but for those who have gotten to know me.

I don't want to diminish stability. I think you can be stable and express your emotions. The trick is knowing when each is appropriate. Sure, some will more naturally lean towards stable, even keel more non-emotional side of things. And others will lean towards the more emotive side of things. That is just the way God made us.

I just feel that in my attempt to be the more stable, solid, even keel person, I have hidden my emotions. So yes, emotions are for me.

Just a heads up...

I want to be as honest as possible here. And this means that I will have to be vulnerable as well. And if you know me at all, this does not come easy for me. Not every post will be deep and insightful. And not every post will even be interesting to you.

You will also know that vulnerable is not one my strong points. Hence the title of the blog. The contradiction being, do I allow myself to share that or not. Some of the things I share will seem very trivial to you, but in my mind can be a gigantic stumbling block. Some of the things I share might seem obvious to everyone. However when one is not used to being vulnerable and sharing, the obvious is not always so obvious.

As of late, I have been dealing with vertigo. This has been a huge struggle for me because it makes me come to grips with my own weaknesses (yeah, this is one of those obvious ones). But in my defense, I've never really been a sick or injury prone person. When I get the flu, I'm usually out for no more than a day or so. When I get a cold, I just slow down a little. I've only ever broken one bone in my body. My longest sickness was 2 weeks and that has only happened twice. Once just after my son was born, and once about 2 1/2 years ago when I had my first bout of vertigo. I have only ever had 3 stitches, and the only night I've ever spent in a hospital are the two nights my wife was in the hospital after giving birth to our son. I have always bounced back quickly.

I am not the picture of health, but have always been healthy. Yet now I have vertigo, and I haven't bounced back from it like I do any other sickness. Its not deadly, its not even serious, its just really annoying and makes it difficult to do much of anything.  It makes me wonder what else could, can or will go wrong with me. And the longer I sit, or lay down, the longer that list gets.

The real problem though is that I somehow feel like a failure because of this. I can't go to work and get my normal stuff done. It is difficult to work from home (setting up this blog and writing this entry has taken nearly 5hrs to this point). Yet I have defined myself by what I do, the things I have or can accomplish. The obvious problem to this is the dilemma I am now faced with. If I am unable to do or accomplish anything then who am I? It is difficult to even define myself as a husband or a father. I couldn't even take the trash out last night, or have a backyard camp out with my son over Memorial weekend. I mean, I don't even know if you can just "be' a husband or father.

It's probably good that I am forced to explore this question. I haven't necessarily been avoiding the question, I just assumed that by age 36 I would have figured it out already. Oh well, enough for today. I'll let you know how it goes.