Isn't Life Grand?

Isn't life grand? In the midst of everything, taking a moment to sit back, look at life and just enjoy what it has for you can be rather refreshing.

Now, I would love to say, that right now the vertigo is completely gone, and everything is going well. Unfortunately this is not the case. The vertigo still exists, though I have learned to deal with it and work around it. Work is still difficult and how I deal with the stress from work is still a work in progress. I am working on my relationships, I want to strive to be a better husband and father, and while I am successful on some days, others seem to be a step backwards. But, all in all, life is grand.

And here's why. I've been looking back on my vertigo now for awhile and I really wasn't sure there was much I could learn from this experience. Aside from the fact that I am human, I do get sick, I'm not invulnerable and I need to learn my limits. And while this is all good, I have realized that this thought process goes beyond just my health.

I let things get under my skin. I let people and their approval of me determine my worth. If the budget doesn't balance, its my fault and I have disappointed many. I have failed and thus I am a failure. For myself, I am not a perfectionist. Take a look at my man cave, or look at my desk in my office and you will see that. Many unfinished projects, failed attempts and the like. But, if I am putting something out there for others to evaluate, it must be perfect. All my "i's" must be dotted and "t's" crossed. There is no room for failure.

And what is odd, is that vertigo has taught me my worth is not based on other peoples opinion of me or how much I achieve or over achieve at my job. Don't get me wrong, we need to do our jobs to the best of our abilities within the resources we have. But it is okay to fail.

Yes, I said it, it's okay to fail. If we fail a something, that doesn't mean we are a failure. Somehow when we're kids, we start out and failure is okay. First we fail at standing. But no one seems to mind, they just cheer us on. Then we fail at walking. And again no one seems to mind. Again, people just cheer us on until we get it. And this usually happens throughout our childhood. We strike out in baseball and our coach tells us "you'll get it next time". We fall off our bikes the first time we ride without training wheels, but our parents put a band-aid on our knee and help us get right back up on the bike. When you're a kid, failing does not equal being a failure.

So what happens when we become an adult? We're supposed to know everything we need to know, or be able to figure it out. We're supposed to be able to anticipate, adapt and adjust. Suddenly failure no longer seems to be an option. Now "there's too much riding on it to fail". WHAT?!?!?! Some of the things we take for granted now (walking, talking) are the most important things we do and we all failed at those at one point or another. Yet somehow we now equate failing with being a failure.

And yes, vertigo has taught me this. Failing at walking again will do that to you! And what is even cooler is God lets us fail too. You know what, I am a Christian, and I am a pastor and I failed at living a sinless life today. Didn't make it. Nope. I sinned. I'm not proud of it. I recognize that I failed. But God doesn't love me any less for it. God is right there with me, he's cheering me on. I can hear him shouting, "Tomorrow's another day. You'll get it next time. You can do it." Does he want me to succeed? Yes. Does my worth to him depend on my success? No. Will he love me anyway? Yes. Always.

I ain't perfect. I will fail. It is OK.

Isn't life grand?