I have to be honest, lately my funk has gotten worse. And those who are nearest to me have been paying a price for that. The vertigo is still on, and though it hasn't gotten worse, it really hasn't gotten any better either. I've learned better how to function with it, and what my limitations are. And really, its probably the limitations that frustrate me the most.
Unfortunately these limitations have put me in to a funk. No, actually not even a funk. They are depressing. I'll be honest. Depressing. And it really hit me yesterday.
Now, it should be said that yesterday was my birthday and while I don't necessarily LOVE birthdays, I am usually in a decent mood for them. Not yesterday though. Yesterday was a fairly long rough day. And from about 7am when I got up to 5:30pm I let everything get me down.
It changed at 5:30pm because that was when I realized that I was letting my bad day and bad attitude, my funk, bring other people down. My wife had come downstairs and asked me where I would like to go for my birthday dinner. My response (you'll laugh at how dumb this was) was to say, let's just eat last nights leftovers, I really don't care.
Now, mind you my wife is trying very hard to do something nice here because she knows I'm feeling rather depressed. And we have a friend coming over to help celebrate my birthday. Me sitting on the couch eating leftovers really isn't a great bit of hospitality for a friend.
So, my wife, obviously feeling hurt because I rejected her (as I had all day actually), got frustrated with me, said "fine!" and went on the porch for some alone time. I stewed for awhile and finally realized I was the problem. Not my vertigo and not anyone else.
So, I went out on the porch and talked with her for a little while. I finally agreed that my depression (I called it ambivalence) was not doing either of us any good. I decided that if I was going to get out of this funk I should get up and do something. So we picked a place to go to eat. Then my wife prayed for me. Not long, not wordy, but heartfelt, sincere and to the point. I needed that.
To end the night, our friend came over. We all went to dinner. Came back home and our friend and I listened to music. LOUD! (sorry neighbors). My parents called, and we talked for awhile, and my brother called at the same time and left a message (I gotta call him back yet). My friend and I talked about music and about God. We talked about our pasts and our demons. And we just listened to music.
By about 10pm I was feeling really good. All day people who loved me, or at least liked me were trying to make my day as nice as possible. And while I was jerk for most of it, they kept at it.
By the end of the day, I had gotten what I needed to get out of the funk. The realization that I have family and friends who love me. Not because I can do certain things. Not because of a position I hold. They like me. Just me. And will even try harder when I'm being a jerk on my birthday.
I don't need to drive a car to be happy. I don't need to be able to walk in a straight line to be happy. I have family and friends that love me. And yesterday they showed me the love of God. They reminded me there is a God who loves me. They reminded me that more than anything, all I need is love (we didn't listen to the Beatles last night, but it sure would have been appropriate!).
Even though I know most people I know don't read this, thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday. It sure made my day!
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