Just a heads up...

I want to be as honest as possible here. And this means that I will have to be vulnerable as well. And if you know me at all, this does not come easy for me. Not every post will be deep and insightful. And not every post will even be interesting to you.

You will also know that vulnerable is not one my strong points. Hence the title of the blog. The contradiction being, do I allow myself to share that or not. Some of the things I share will seem very trivial to you, but in my mind can be a gigantic stumbling block. Some of the things I share might seem obvious to everyone. However when one is not used to being vulnerable and sharing, the obvious is not always so obvious.

As of late, I have been dealing with vertigo. This has been a huge struggle for me because it makes me come to grips with my own weaknesses (yeah, this is one of those obvious ones). But in my defense, I've never really been a sick or injury prone person. When I get the flu, I'm usually out for no more than a day or so. When I get a cold, I just slow down a little. I've only ever broken one bone in my body. My longest sickness was 2 weeks and that has only happened twice. Once just after my son was born, and once about 2 1/2 years ago when I had my first bout of vertigo. I have only ever had 3 stitches, and the only night I've ever spent in a hospital are the two nights my wife was in the hospital after giving birth to our son. I have always bounced back quickly.

I am not the picture of health, but have always been healthy. Yet now I have vertigo, and I haven't bounced back from it like I do any other sickness. Its not deadly, its not even serious, its just really annoying and makes it difficult to do much of anything.  It makes me wonder what else could, can or will go wrong with me. And the longer I sit, or lay down, the longer that list gets.

The real problem though is that I somehow feel like a failure because of this. I can't go to work and get my normal stuff done. It is difficult to work from home (setting up this blog and writing this entry has taken nearly 5hrs to this point). Yet I have defined myself by what I do, the things I have or can accomplish. The obvious problem to this is the dilemma I am now faced with. If I am unable to do or accomplish anything then who am I? It is difficult to even define myself as a husband or a father. I couldn't even take the trash out last night, or have a backyard camp out with my son over Memorial weekend. I mean, I don't even know if you can just "be' a husband or father.

It's probably good that I am forced to explore this question. I haven't necessarily been avoiding the question, I just assumed that by age 36 I would have figured it out already. Oh well, enough for today. I'll let you know how it goes.