Being a Jerk is easy...

Lately I have had to come to grips with myself. Some of it has been a learning experience which I have been sharing right here. Some of it however is just me acknowledging and taking responsibility for myself. And part of that is taking responsibility and acknowledging how I have treated people.

I can be a real Jerk sometimes. And I capitalize Jerk because when I'm a Jerk, I'm a big Jerk and not a little one.

What I've come to realize though is it is easy to be a Jerk. See, when you're a Jerk you don't have to invest in relationships. You don't have to really care about people. Because as a Jerk, you can just be mean and get people to not like you if the relationship is getting too personal. When you're a Jerk, you can easily keep people at an arms length and you don't ever have to worry about them rejecting you, because you can just reject them first. And for those of us who aren't good or comfortable with close relationships because you have more to lose if you're rejected, being a Jerk is safe.

Now, mind you, I'm not saying that it is better, healthier or more fun. Nope, just easier.

Problem is, being a Jerk is like most things, you can't compartmentalize it. What happens is it seeps into those relationships that you have made and are comfortable with. It seeps in and takes over. And you end up hurting those you love the most. Your wife, your son, your true friends.

Today I really realized what a Jerk I have really been. Today I found out that I will have to talk with someone tomorrow. I will have to share some news with them that will probably devastate them. And the moment I realized that was going to have to happen, my heart broke. My heart broke, not because of what was going to happen to me, but because of what was going to happen to them. That very rarely happens to me.

Yet after talking with my wife about it over the phone (and no, I didn't have to break my wife's heart), I found myself sitting in my office overwhelmed by sadness for this person. I found myself tearing up over the pain this would likely cause for them. I've been trying to figure out a way to spare this person that pain. To find a solution so we wouldn't even have to have the conversation.

As a Jerk, this is something I'd very rarely encountered, and even more rarely come to tears about. And I sat there thinking, I wish I could be a Jerk. I wish I could spare myself from this pain that I feel for this person (see Jerks are selfish too). I wish I could just switch this off like I usually do.

But I couldn't. It wouldn't go away. And the more I thought about the situation, the more indignant I became for them. I wanted to defend them. I wanted to defend them to the whole world. I wanted to tell the whole world that this was a human being that they were mistreating. I wanted to tell them that this is one of God's beloved children and if the rest of the world couldn't see that well then to hell with the rest of the world!

Being a Jerk is easy. But, I don't want to be a Jerk anymore. As painful as this feels, I want to feel it. I want to know that I am capable of loving people. I don't want to hurt, almost as much as I don't want to hurt people. But, in order to love, truly love, I will feel joy, pain, sadness, elation, and everything in between.

And I'm good with that.